


Stay Gold

by gaysushiroll



Series: the normandy crew meets my follower asks [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon Universe, Chatting & Messaging, Domestic, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Light-Hearted, Slice of Life, Tumblr, please leave comments i need validation, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-22 01:38:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11369874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysushiroll/pseuds/gaysushiroll
Summary: What if a hard work ends in despair?What if the road won't take me there?Oh, I wish, for onceWe could stay gold~also known as, a series of fics about the normandy crew written in various degrees of drunkeness and sleep deprivation~





	1. So close!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adela_19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adela_19/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which tali owns a blog and does a thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp it was bound to happen eventually folks. here's my 1k follower special series for my tumblr blog masseffectgayliens
> 
> also quick thank you to the brilliant adela_19, who was invaluable in getting past my verbal constipation.
> 
> pls be gentle when u inevitably curse her for this hot mess later on lmao

“Keelah, I am SO CLOSE!”

To emphasize exactly how close she was, Tali calmly banged her fist on the mess table, causing a few Cerberus crew members to jump in their seats.

“Close to breaking the table, maybe. Along with Gardner’s poor heart.”, Garrus replied, absently playing with his breakfast.

“Har, har.”, she huffed indignantly, elbowing the turian.

“Don’t mind him, Tali, Cerberus pays for the ruined furniture and the moral damage.”, quipped Shepard from where she was cracking her eggs into an omelet, winking at Kelly.

“What’re you close to, Tali?”, asked Chambers herself, smiling warmly as she took a seat across from the quarian.

“My 14K follower milestone. I started an aesthetic sideblog on iGalactik a few weeks ago, and people seem to like it. Some even recognized me and sent me a bunch of messages and fan mail. It’s quite cute actually.”

“Aw, aren’t you lil’ miss popular.”, Shepard cooed, prompting Tali to use her most intense glare. Unfortunately, the glare wasn’t as effective when her victims couldn’t actually see it, so Shepard remained unmelted and blissfully unaware of how close she’d been to dying again.

“You joke, Shepard, but I actually am a fan favorite. Do  _you_  have any cool action figures or comic series about your backstory? No, you do not. So shut up and mind your breakfast sludge.”

Tali was kind of lying about that. Shepard probably had comics dedicated to her grocery shopping adventures.

“I think it’s nice that you get to interact with people that admire you so much, Tali. It’s incredible that you somehow managed to influence the lives of so many people.”, Chambers said, obviously trying to ignore Shepard tossing eggshells towards the flailing quarian.

Not that Tali wasn’t paying attention to what the woman was saying. Because she totally was. And she totally appreciated all her generic encouragement.

Honestly, that last part Chambers practically  _owed_ her anyway. Seeing as she was the reason Tali started the blog to begin with. It was supposed to be a “healthy distraction”, or something like that. Y’know, from the fact that Tali got like her entire squad (sans one) killed. And that her father also indirectly died because of her and his own delusions. And that Tali herself willfully signed up for a suicide mission.

But she was totally fine. She just hated the woman’s constant badgering.

And anyway, it’s not like maintaining said blog was akin to  _torture_. She found that she really enjoyed developing it and updating it. She even contributed with her own posts sometimes. She edited cool quotes onto beautiful images. She liked the whole process of it, mixing and matching words and backgrounds until she felt like they reflected her feelings. It was like staring into her own mind, or at least small pieces of it. And she even talked about her own life occasionally. Not in detail, of course. Just small mentions and nods to the missions they went on, and her friends, and how she’d been doing that certain day. Honestly, they were quite vague and cryptic, but people still replied and those replies often turned into full-length discussions about something that barely had anything to do with the original posts. She was fascinated. Tali almost forgot what it was like to just talk to people. The crew was the closest thing to a family Tali had left, and she loved Shepard and Garrus, but they all carried the weight of some dark decisions and personal scars, and they were sometimes hard to ignore in their conversations. She missed normalcy, more than anything.

The Normandy crew was a lot of things, but normal wasn’t one of them.

Tali realized she’d spaced out when a stray eggshell knocked straight into her head bucket, snapping her back into reality. She muttered a curse under her breath towards Shepard, and then turned back to Kelly.

“Yeah, I was thinking I might do something special for when I reach my milestone.”

“Like what?”

“Uhm.”

Tali faltered. She’d thought about this before. It was still a bit embarrassing to say out loud. She felt a bit like a silly little teenager. But Garrus was also staring curiously at her now, and she decided “fuck it”.

“Some people do little challenges and Q&A’s. I thought that’d be cute. I thought maybe I’d let them ask all of us something about… You know. The stuff we do. Amongst other things.”

After such an unambiguous and eloquent answer, Tali could safely say Garrus’ silence was making her slightly nervous. Fortunately, though, Kelly soon came to her aid.

“It’s a good idea. It’s not like you’d be disclosing some classified information. Maybe some interaction with your fans would actually do you all some good. To become aware of all the people supporting you.”

Garrus still wasn’t saying anything, but his strange gaze lingered in her direction.

“You could get everyone in on this, you know. You could all use a distraction.”, Kelly continued.

There it was again. “Distraction”. As if a few questions about their lifestyles would for a second make them forget that they were probably going to die in the next few months. That they were ticking time bombs whose only real purpose was to follow the collectors around until their time went up.

But, again, Tali was fine.

She  _wasn’t_  so fine with that annoying turian that suddenly turned to a useless statue,  _still_  staring at her.

“ _Keelah,_ Garrus, just say something and stop looking at me like that, you creep!”

Instead of answering, Garrus stretched an arm out and disinterestedly plucked a shell from her shoulder, flicking it somewhere over the table.

“Exactly how close are you to your milestone?”, he asked, wiping his finger on her hood.

She scrunched her nose, swatting his hand away before he could smear more gross yolk on her suit, and checked her datapad.

“Around 20. I’m pretty close.”

“What’s your blog title? Maybe if we go begging around some of the crew will eventually take pity and get you to 14K or whatever.”

“Oh, I already made sure everyone is following me, actually.” Tali declared, a little bit too proudly maybe, as she watched Garrus’ brow plates meet in a distinctly turian frown.

“I told you not to go hacking around my things again. Spirits, you’d think your expensive translators could at least get  _that_ through your head.”, he huffed.

“Ah, c’mon, it’s not like I’m the only one. Don’t act like you don’t know Kasumi regularly snoops on your old social media accounts and chat logs.”

Suddenly, a hooded figure appeared right behind Kelly, forcefully pushing the woman’s chair forward until it banged against the table, shaking every last bit of morning haziness from Tali’s mind.

“ _Judas!_ ”, Kasumi hissed, pointing a gloved finger at the quarian, over Kelly’s distressed yelp.

Garrus sighed heavily, getting up from his seat, shortly followed by most of the poor people trying to enjoy their meals.

“You can run now, Garrus, but remember:  _I know where you sleep!_ ”, Tali warned the turian, who was monumentally failing to ignore her as he tried to make his way to the main battery.

Shepard quickly skipped towards him before he could escape, snaking an arm around his waist and turning him to face the disaster he left behind at the mess table.

“Aw, c’mon, Vakarian! It’ll be fun! Heck, we should start with the challenges and questions and whatnot right now! Who cares about the milestone?”, the commander laughed, looking up at the 7 foot tall grump with pleading eyes.

He sighed again. Tali wondered if his sigh supply ever ran out, or if his lungs functioned only out of spite at this point. She realized it didn’t matter, and she quickly started writing her post before he changed his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: garrus and shepard interact with their fans in a mature way bc they're functional adults


	2. “How come the rest of the gang isn’t aware of their fans?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> through the bullshit powers of unrequested flashback we get to explore the very deep and meaningful bond between TheLegend27 and Quads_of_fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is literally no plot/point to this its not even really answering the question im sry @the nonny that asked this i had to get it out of my system

Tali read the question out loud, for the whole “gang” to hear. It was virtually pointless though, as most of them were entrenched in their dinner anyway.

“I wouldn’t say you’re not _aware_. You’re not the brightest bulbs in the bunch but you can’t be _that_ thickheaded, either. Especially since some of them send you suspiciously regular mail and stuff.”, Tali answered, mostly addressing herself to the Normandy walls and to Gardner. Ah, Gardner. Always conspicuously trying to appear inconspicuous while listening for any dirt on members of the crew.

“Tali, we joined the Normandy squad fan _forum_. You know that.”, Shepard grumbled, frustratingly stabbing her peas.

Garrus chuckled slightly from next to her, to which she responded with an objectively painful kick to the helpless turian’s shin, and a murderous glare.

Then the whole thing came back to Tali, and she started audibly giggling as well, rejoicing in the fact that she was a safe distance away from the angry commander.

Throwback to a few months earlier. Tali had just stepped into the cargo bay, ready for another mission, but as she looked around, she found only Garrus, leaning back against the Hammerhead, fiddling with his datapad. She shrugged, realising they were both probably early, and she thought there would be no better opportunity to hone her turian-pestering skills than while waiting for Shepard to waltz them off towards more danger. He was so entrenched in what he was doing that he didn’t notice her until she cheerfully plucked the datapad from his grasp.

Sneaky quarian snooper: 1, Her victim, now with increased trust issues: 0.

While he was exclaiming with surprise, Tali examined the screen in front of her.

“…Galactic Ass-Kickers United?”

Garrus flicked his mandibles in annoyance, swiping his datapad back and holding it above his head.

Self-elected Normandy midget representative: 1, Tall turian asshole: 1.

Normally, Tali would give him another type of well-deserved kick to the shin for this blatant abuse of his freaky height, but right now she was too curious as to why Garrus was browsing an online nerd forum.

“It’s, uh, it’s what some people call us. Apparently.”, he said sheepishly.

“Us?”

“You, me, everyone who went after Saren.”

“Oh.”

A few moments of uncomfortable silence passed. Tali was pondering his words, Garrus was still warily holding the datapad above her reach. Until he suddenly felt his earlier assholery get repaid tenfold when the quarian forcefully stomped on his foot, causing him to double over with a groan, which prompted Tali to swiftly rid him of his precious possession. Again.

Everyone that isn’t Garrus: 2, Garrus: -25684.

With Garrus’ whines as relaxing background noises, Tali looked through the site, its threads and topics, until the realisation dawned on her.

“Garrus, how long have you been a part of our official _fan forum_?”

“First off, that was a cheap move, second off, why’s it matter?”

“OhmygodhaveyouseenthisfanartGarrusKeelah”, she exclaimed in one breath.

Dismissing her suit’s inner ventilation system for not having enough dramatic effect, Tali fanned herself, admiring a smutty piece of work depicting Shepard, Garrus and herself.

“ _Spirits,_ Tali, I don’t go _looking_ for it!”

“How come your inbox isn’t totally full of spam from our _dedicated_ fans, then?”, she asked, looking over his sparse chat boxes with various members.

Most of his interactions were quite tame. He left witty remarks on most discussions, and chatted harmlessly with a few users about nothing in particular.

“Probably because they don’t know who I really am. To them, I’m simply TheLegend27.”, he declared, a bit too confidently for someone who chose TheLegend27 as a username.

Tali snorted, still shamelessly going through his activity log.

He seemed to engage with one forum user specifically. Almost every comment Garrus posted was somehow in relation to one Quads_of_fury. Tali tapped on his latest notification, which brought her to a thread entitled “NORMANDY CREW MOST LIKELY TOs”. And, although the thread itself was a goldmine, a certain inspired username caught Tali’s attention.

 

**Quads_of_fury, 4:36 CT: most likely to spend all their credits on stupid shit?? i vote kaidan. he looks like the kind of guy who would literally start crying happy tears when he sees a lush shop**

Interestingly enough, Kaidan _had_ swooned at the sight of the intergalactic bath bomb. He broke down, actually. Two times. Two times Tali had to almost completely physically restrain him so he didn’t waste his credits away on soaps and perfumes and lotions and OK they all smelled _really_ good, but Tali was taught better than to give in to Satan like that. She wasn’t weak. Not to insinuate that Kaidan was. He was just really, _really_ , into self-care products. Tali pictured the value of property damage they’d have to cover when Kaidan’s tears eventually flooded the lush shop, setting off all of the bath bombs at the same time.

She shuddered.

Naturally, TheLegend27 had something to say to Quads_of_fury.

 

**TheLegend27, 4:38 CT: I vote Shepard. Mostly because I’ve actually stumbled into her at the supermarket. I could only stare in awe as I watched her pay for a disco ball helmet, a ketchup gun and glow in the dark toilet paper.**

Tali snickered, turning towards Garrus.

“Does Shepard know you’re shamelessly backstabbing her on the extranet?”

“Oh, please. She should’ve expected it.”

Tali clicked on Garrus’ most recently created thread: “Shepard is fuckin short. Discuss”. She put it in her “Stuff To Shamelessly Blackmail Garrus With” mental folder.

“Nevermind, I know she doesn’t know because if she did she’d have killed you by now.”, she stated matter-of-factly.

He just looked at her strangely, his mandibles flaring in what she came to recognize as the turian equivalent of a smile. Confused, she decided his cryptic looks could suck it, and she resumed her activities.

 

**Quads_of_fury, 4:50 CT: ok first off RUDE second off shes not fuckin short her online bio says shes 5’4” shes AVERAGE honestly and even if she was short who cares shes like the badassest person ever rn and these kinds of threads just undermine her authority so to conclude. u suck @TheLegend27**

Tali was moved to tears. Honestly. Quads_of_fury’s speech would make Shepard proud.

 

**TheLegend27, 4:56 CT: *She’s 5’2”. **Which is short even for a human. ***The most badass**

**Quads_of_fury, 4:57 CT: I KNOW HOW IT’S SPELLED ASSHOLE**

The next thread was entitled “Shepard Appreciation Thread”.

Honestly Tali’s blackmail folder was having a field day.

She scrolled down to a piece of fanart depicting the crew, with Shepard as a focal point, happily crying while hugging Liara.

 

**Quads_of_fury, 3:23 CT: false shepard does not cry**

**TheLegend27, 3:24 CT: Except when you point out the fact that elcor don’t wear shoes, then she spirals into depression**

It was a universal certainty that Shepard was never going to live that down. The one time she decided getting drunk was a good idea, after finally saving the galaxy, she got filmed by a bunch of curious teenagers. Honestly, the entire crew was pretty hammered, but when they started waxing philosophical about different species, Shepard had an epiphany, and no amount of alcohol would ever help her forget the vid of her sobbing at the thought of elcor rubbing their nasty feet-hands on every public bathroom floor. The extranet was a cruel and unforgiving mistress.

“So like… Are you going out of your way to personally victimize this user? Are they like your forum crush or something?”, Tali asked, finally tearing her eyes away from TheLegend27’s forum drama.

Garrus smirked at her again, then, without answering, turned around to greet Shepard herself, finally showing up, ready for another day of dodging bullets.

As they climbed into the shuttle, Tali felt him bend down, mouth closing in on her ear.

“You’ll see.”, he said, passionately typing away on his datapad.

 

***

 

 Fast forward to dinner time, when Tali had all but forgotten about Garrus’ extranet vendetta against Quads_of_fury. Until the commander walked in, fashionably late once more, brows meeting in a small, frustrated knot.

“Who pissed in your cereal, huh?”, Jack inquisitively jabbed an elbow at her, careful not to drop her own bowl of cereal.

“This random extranet dickbrain. It’s no big deal, they’re just really annoying.”

“Oh, really? What sites are you surfing these days, Shep?”, Kasumi innocently piped in, giving Garrus, who was sitting right next to Tali, a knowing wink.

“Uhm, you know. Fan forums. And stuff. I’m interested in what people think of us.”

Shepard had her back to Tali, but the quarian was certain her face was now doing that distinctly human thing, when it became redder than the N7 stripe.

“I’m a member of your fan forum too, actually. Who’s bothering you? Is it TheLegend27?”, the thief pressed on.

Tali wanted to die.

“Yeah? How’d you know?”

“Who’s TheLegend27?”, Jack asked, her words just as dripped in confusion.

“Some say TheLegend27 is the first forum user ever. Born from fire.”  
“I heard, TheLegend27 can never get banned, because they always come back.”, Garrus casually added.

“I heard TheLegend27 once locked an entire thread with a single roast.”, Joker joined in.

“But the worst part is, just when you think you’re safe”, Kasumi went on, ”just when you think you might escape… WHAM!!! Just like that! You get trolled.”

When everyone around the mess table faked a collective gasp, she sank even deeper in her suicidal disposition.

“I hate literally all of you.”, she caught herself saying, but she was cut off by the sound of Shepard’s datapad notification.

She checked it, slowly, then very suddenly her head snapped up to Garrus, who was cheerfully typing away, just as another notification sound pierced the tense silence.

Shepard didn’t advance, not before getting a tall glass and filling it with cold water. Then, as she menacingly started approaching Garrus, raising her glass like a weapon, all Tali could think was, he had it coming.

“This is a good time for you to become a missing person, Vakarian.”

Yep. Definitely had it coming.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know this was stupid no idc 
> 
> next up: zaeed fuckin knits guys stay tuned


End file.
